Cheers For Christian Friendship

Melanchthon is Drumming on the Table

I usually don’t talk about my church a lot online. I talk plenty about churchy things— liturgy, singing, preaching, and theology— but I usually avoid talking about the particular details of my parish. This is because there’s a lot of stuff that is best left private and because it’s so easy to start exploiting church life as a form of personal brand marketing. “Amazing Sunday!” can quickly become a way of saying, “I, the pastor, totally rocked it!” I don’t want to do that. I’m probably a little too self-conscious about it, to be honest. But for today, I’m throwing caution to the wind and am going to brag about some people. Christ Church in South Bend is starting to see a really fantastic culture of fellowship and friendship.

I feel pretty safe bragging about this because it’s largely thanks to the hard work and true Christian charity of other people. My wife has been constant in insisting that we host people at our home, sometimes twice or three times in a week. The Young Adults group at church has been joyfully indefatigable in their regular gatherings for meals, bible studies, book clubs, and other recreational outings. And then there are the older families, including some senior citizens, who open their homes in various ways. We are getting to the point where there is a good distribution of hospitality.

As I think about what has “worked,” a few thoughts come to mind:

God’s Good Grace

The first point is one of those things a pastor is supposed to say, but it’s true all the same. “God gives the increase” (1 Cor. 3:6). There are times when things just don’t seem to click, and then there are other times when it almost seems automatic (Luther’s line about just drinking beer while the Word did all the work…). Often things start to “work” years after the nuts and bolts were established in small and unimpressive ways.

So the first thing is to always see God’s hand at work and give Him thanks.

Key People Taking the Lead

The next point is also really important. God works through means, and one of the primary and most important means that He uses is His people. And He uses particular people. In the case of our parish, I can think of specific people in the young adults group who took the initiative of creating a group chat and regularly going out together. In the midlife demographic, I can see a few faces in my head who regularly set up planning meetings and invite people to their homes. And there are definitely some specific seniors who open up their homes and share their resources with others.

Without these people stepping up and volunteering, the fellowship would not be happening.

Regularity

The most successful times of fellowship are not the most ambitious or elaborate. It’s honestly the normal get-togethers which happen frequently. Seeing people weekly, or even monthly, creates a rhythm so that you can truly get to know them. The occasion can be as simple as going to a restaurant or coffee shop. You really just need a place to be so that you can talk and hang out.

If you don’t want to spend money, then parks work well. Or go for a walk. You can do that in your neighborhood. Again, think about what you are actually trying to achieve. You want to spend time with the other person or people, talk about what’s been going on, share some hobbies or passions, and then pray together.

Inclusivity

One of the important things that differentiates church fellowship and hospitality from just normal friendship is the ability to invite people beyond your immediate friends and family. I think that peer groups will inevitably form in the church, and you’ll have “men’s nights” and “women’s nights,” or that the singles and people without kids will enjoy a certain sort of time together, while the families will probably find it easier to do their thing together. Still, within each of these groups there should be a desire to invite new people. Hospitality brings people from the outside to the inside.

And the various social groups in the church can and should mix in the appropriate ways. Sometimes we do arrange for this mixing to happen. Often, people just want it to happen, so the twenty-somethings go to the seventy-somethings’ house.

Our college group has been especially good about automatically inviting anyone in their same age bracket who shows up on a Sunday to lunch afterwards. They’ve even managed to decentralize the leadership, with different people giving out the invitation from week to week.

Being Yourself

There are some basic rules to socializing that you’ll see mentioned in books. Don’t talk so much. Ask the other person questions. Be sure to learn their name and use it. These are all good rules, and I sometimes don’t follow them as well as I should. But still, I think one of the best “tricks” to creating true fellowship is simply being ok with who you are and taking an interest in who the other person is. Everyone is interesting in their own way, and they can be delightfully weird or challenging or fascinating, and that’s great. Now yes, you should try to not be too difficult or off-putting. And some people are definitely better at this than others. But I also think people in positions of church leadership can sometimes stress out too much over trying to control the social scene. If God is the one making church fellowship a success, then He’s also the one sending you the people. Accept them for who they are and have fun.

This is not a veiled criticism. I love you people. Wow, it sounds bad if you read it wrong, doesn’t it? Lol. I promise.

But seriously, I’ve been there. “Let’s not let So and So talk about that thing…” I’m not saying you never have to police the boundaries, but I am saying that you can worry a bit too much about it. And you can do it pretty easily. The truth is that you never quite know what someone might find off-putting or offensive, and you can be blind to the ways that you alienate people. It’s better to just be nice, try to love people, and enjoy the ride. As much time as you worry about “being offensive,” you should also worry about not “taking offense.”

If you really are taking an interest in the other person as they are, and if you are committed to seeing what neat things God is doing in their lives, and if you are committed to seeing what neat things God will do in your life through that other person, then you really can just relax about everything. Somebody might talk a little too much about the French and Indian War or need to bring their own funny brand of crackers, and it’s fine. As long as they don’t insist on some sort of moral priority about it, then it’s just one more quirky layer to life, the sort of thing that frequently makes things interesting and fun.

Conclusion

Praise God for Christian fellowship, friendship, and hospitality. Its presence in a church can be incredibly powerful. And it’s the sort of thing that re-energizes you. Ironically, all the time and energy you put into time with other people can help prevent you from feeling worn out.

It’s been fun seeing this kind of spiritual fruit pop up. If any of the planters or waterers read this, thank you so much! And if you’re ever in the area, please come on by and see us.